at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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