I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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