I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
