god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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