I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
