Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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