I feel like abortions should bother me more
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
