its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
