I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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