are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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