just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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