i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize