I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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