The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize