my being single is dangerous.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
