I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize