i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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