Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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