just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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