I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
