My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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