I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
