I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
