I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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