I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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