The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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