She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
