he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Blood and glitter go together right?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
