Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
