Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
