Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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