Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
