he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
