The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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