She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So much Jack, so little girl.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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