so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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