Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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