Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
