allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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