He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
