Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
