What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
