Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize