Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
