nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
