I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
