Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
