He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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