That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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