We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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