The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
