Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
