Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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