You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
