its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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