The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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