I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
