Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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