if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize