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Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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