a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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