I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
