did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
