I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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