I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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