Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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